I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
