I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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