can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize