Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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