Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
