i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
