you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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