I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
