you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize