My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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