I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
