someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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