my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
