I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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