I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
