We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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