Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i now understand why vodka
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
