hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
These tits shall not be calmed
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