Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
