I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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