Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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