i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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