Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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