I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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