More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
