Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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