Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
