ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
