3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
