i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
