I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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