I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
