cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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