That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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