Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
