I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
