literally had 100 drinks last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
