But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
