I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize