Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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