why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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