How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I deserve this hangover.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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