We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
