oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
