Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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