So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
