So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
