I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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