remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
