My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
