Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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