omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
