I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
