It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
