I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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