I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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