I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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