i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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