remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
