He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My breasts were aching with rage.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
