At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
