Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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