Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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