why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
