dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
