Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
