Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize