If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
