I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
