A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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